Bedlam Story’s: Halloween is shit

My second article and you may have cause for concern because I’m going to get blasphemous on your ass! Halloween is shit. There. I’ve said it. And I feel...

My second article and you may have cause for concern because I’m going to get blasphemous on your ass!

Halloween is shit.

There. I’ve said it. And I feel so much better to have got it off my chest. Now I know I made mention of it in my last article but that’s because I didn’t want to start off on the wrong foot. I don’t care now. You can all go fuck yourselves if you don’t like it!

Don’t get me wrong though. I think Halloween is shit these days. For the last few years, Halloween has been hijacked by supermarkets and advertisers cashing in. Gone are the days of being terrified out of your wits at the creepy shadow in the corner. Now it’s Asda adverts and a bunch of braying Hooray Henrys in a bit of white makeup and idiotic wigs, with a dribble of fake blood in the Slug and Lettuce. Or people going down the American route and leaving carved pumpkins at their front door to show that they are participating…I prefer to mark my participation by hammering the local lollipop lady to the front door.

I loved Halloween as a kid. It was the time when you tried to scare yourself into peeing your pants – it was fun. In fact every day of my childhood should have been Halloween. My Dad used to proudly tell his cronies in the pub, that I was morbid. I read Dracula when I was nine and had every book known about vampires, ghouls, werewolves and so on. A book called Ghosts, Monsters and Ufo’s by Usborne was my bible. (If anyone still has a copy, I’d love to see it.)

And then there were the classic bogeymen: Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers, Pinhead and the high pitched, little fat lady in Sue Pollard glasses from Poltergeist. The Evil Dead was terrifying and when the plants have their horribly wicked way with you, who will hear your cries for help? Not Greenpeace, that’s for sure.

However, in context, as a 10yr old in the 1980’s, Hellraiser was scary. Now it’s just shit. And on watching it again, it seems someone really liked shoulder pads and the colour orange.

Anyway, all this has made me wonder about what passes for horror these days. I may be morbid but I’m still a total wuss when it comes to films about ghosts and demonic possession. My imagination takes flight and I start seeing dead people. I think I hear demonic voices in my head until I realise my ipod has just shuffled to ‘Learn Spanish in 10 Easy Steps’.

I watched Paranormal Activity for the first time a few months ago. I knew it would scare me and embed itself into my highly impressionable, tiny little mind, but I was not to be deterred. I know lots of people think it’s guff but it nearly did me in – I didn’t sleep for weeks and even now, I can’t think about it as it gives me the willies!

Now though, it’s not enough to simply give people the willies. No. We have to watch snuff movies such as SAW, where lots of people die in really gruesome and outlandishly complicated ways…with sound effects. I like killing and I like people dying but I find these films strangely boring. It just seems like a rather grizzly version of The Crystal Maze. “You have 60 seconds to find the right key to get the Crystal and save you and Trevor from Accounts from a horrific and painful death. The snag is that we hid the key in your prawn sandwich and you ate it in the green room before we started”. Yawn.

So what or who are the main baddies now that we’ve cruelly dispatched Freddy and the Alien? Germs, that’s who.

Nowadays you can’t move for films aplenty about killer germs causing a snotty nose and explosive eyeballs. Take Pandemic for instance. How do you fight germs in a cinematic way? You don’t. You just show the germs winning by having various members of the cast enact ever more imaginative deaths – Gwynnie apparently combusts in a particularly fetching manner.

And so it all boils down to our society’s collective fear of germs, dirt and general mess. Next time you watch telly at peak time, watch how many are for cleaning products which annihilate every germ known to mankind, in a handy sqooshy bottle and why do you need to kill germs in a loo? Why not just flush the fucking thing? Which leads me on to what is controversially being billed as the ultimate horror film of our times: The Human Centipede.

For those that still don’t know what this is, it’s about a man with a passion for sewing. He doesn’t want to make a lady suit like Buffalo Bill – no, he just wants to sew peoples faces to someone else’s arse, like a daisy chain…or a centipede as the film suggests. The horror part? Well, the top end starts shitting in the mouth attached to the bottom end and so on and so on. In a nutshell, it’s a film about a bunch of shit munchers.

I guess the lucky one is the one who goes at the head end and the poor sod at the back just eats all the shit. I’d watch it if the back end was Simon Cowell. That would be karma for all the shit he’s shovelled down the public viewers’ gullets these past years.

So who else would be in my centipede? Robbie Williams, Jordan, Mumford and Sons, Paul McCartney, Chris Evans, Lulu, the presenters of T4, Chris Tarrant, the Tory Party including Clegg. The list is endless but someone has to go at the head end so it has to be someone who would really start the chain going – we need a glutton so it would have to be the bald, shouty man from Masterchef.

But we need a hero or heroine…actually heroin supposedly makes you constipated so Heroin is our Heroine! Hurrah! Leading me nicely on to the burlesque bit, I can plug my Supermassive Black Hole which will be appearing at Proud in Camden, every weekend until Christmas.

Ho Ho Hole!

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