If you are a person who just dipped their toe in the world of BDSM, you are most likely going to end up on fetlife. Fetlife is everyone’s favorite first choice. There, you experience the “kinks” and “kinksters” first hand. But it also brings danger as many “newbs”, are likely to get used or manipulated (and not in the kinky way.)
When you first register you will be very excited and eager to get acknowledgement from the rest of the BDSM community. Depending on your gender, you will also have lots of random friend requests from people who are not even on your continent. I was extremely excited by the anonymity that Fetlife provided me, and wanted to post every dirty picture that my phone had to provide. However I was surprised how many people there were somehow connected to me. When I first set my location on my profile, I was not accepting “friend requests” from people in the same area, or city. I mean, how creepy would it be to find your uncle on Fetlife? However, I did accept someone from Antarctica, hoping I don’t know them. That was a mistake. Lots of people on fetlife don’t put their real location. And that person that I added indeed knew who I was and has added me for that reason. Many people on Fetlife “collect” friends. You shouldn’t consider this harmless. You should only add people you have talked to and trust, not every stranger that wishes to befriend you. I am saying this from my own experience, as I have had people “I know” adding me from “fake” profiles, screen grabbing my photos and trying to embarrass me in front of others. If you are a hot female looking for attention or a good looking guy, posting your face on a profile picture is not a good choice. Most of the time you will get attention because “you look hot” but that is not the point of this website. You should post a picture that represents a part of you, or something that you like. Opening yourself to a community of strangers at the beginning might bring you regret in future. Set your pictures for “friends only” and only add those whom you want to let “perv over you”. I would not suggest posting pictures of your intimate parts because they often end up on random porn sites.
‘’Just because you share interest, it does not make you friends’’
One girl had a really big fan base on Fetlife, I think she had a bit over 5000 friends, which is a lot when you think Fetlife all together has around 3 000 000 users and most of them are inactive. She posted a lot of pictures on Fetlife. Playing with toys, then with some really strange toys, which I wasn’t able to identify. Intimate pictures of sexual intercourses with other men and women and so on. Someone obviously took those pictures (it is not possible to download pictures from fetlife but there are ways) and posted her on a random, trashy porn site. She would have never known if one of her friends didn’t notice her picture flashing on a banner somewhere. She took some legal actions, but in the end it did not work for her. Now who knows, one day maybe her neighbour sees it. Of course if you like that sort of thing, go for it! When you make your profile, don’t use your real name ever, and do not provide it to anyone. I mean the last thing you want is someone finding you on Facebook. Choose a different name, an alter ego. I am saying this because, if you are not open in your personal life to everyone about your “fetish” side, then you shouldn’t open yourself here. Just because you all have something in common does not mean people are not “evil” there as well. As a matter of fact, you will be surprised how “closed minded” SOME people are there, outside of the kink world. When you start your ‘’about me’’ section, be vicious but private. Brutal honesty is what will get you where you want to be, but it might also pose danger if someone finds out about you. Tell everyone in your profile what you like and don’t like, your flaws and your fears, what kind of people you would like to know from there, and who can add you, contact you and how. This will spare you a lot of time that is likely to be wasted by random people hoping to “get lucky” (I will speak more about this subject in particular).
‘’You never know who is behind the profile picture.’’
As a girl men harass me constantly. They do not care how girls look any more nor what they like. Men just want to get them. A big majority of ab-users on Fetlife are male and there for rarely have standards. Fetlife isn’t a meat market , but there are no vegetarians. Hungry vampires can’t thrive on ice cream. I don’t mean that literally I mean it in a context of life. Almost every user on fetlife is a ‘’smiley glad hand with a hidden agenda’’. And no one will convince me diferently because there is not one person that joins a fetish social network that wants ”nothing”. Even ”vanilla” people want something. Most of the times I see men posing as ‘’doms’’. Some of them are really experienced doms and contact me in a very nice manor, and are never demanding or pushy, but most of the times people who pose, as doms are just horny boys looking to use a girl. That also stands for women. Women on Fetlife are almost impossible to count on. They are mostly ‘’subs’’, ‘’baby girls’’, ‘’slaves’’ or ‘’bottoms’’, 90% of them are ‘’owned’’ and in their profiles you will be able to read all about their doms and ‘’how fucking great they are’’. 70% of them however, look for ‘‘friends’’. ‘’I’m just looking to make friends’’ is just another way of trapping another girl into a threesome with their man.
‘’Three out of 20 girls were under aged!’’
I have had a chance to talk to a couple of girls on Fetlife. Started off as a friendly conversation where we talk about random things. Their profiles said 18 but they were not 18. As a matter of fact, three out of twenty girls I’ve talked to were under aged. Yes that’s right, under aged. Pedophilia is there, but it is a bit different from what we consider it. No one wants a ‘’really young girl’’, but if she is just a few months of being legal, it’s a turn on for most of ‘’daddy’s’’ and ‘’doms’’, on Fetlife. I have talked to a man who calls himself a ‘’daddy’’, he told me that ‘’even though I am not as young as he likes, I look younger then the young girls that he talks to’’. I was interested in what he meant, and he as well confirmed that he knows a lot of girls on fetlife who are not 18 yet.
One girl I was talking to was from Denmark, she is 19 and she is married to her Dom. He organizes gangbangs in their ‘’dungeon’’ where hundreds of men have sex with her. They even have their own website where you can pay to become a member and join the fun. She is not under aged now, but when she started she was 16. Which is perfectly legal in Denmark for your information. It’s understood that Fetlife does not promote this kind of ‘’illegal’’ behavior and obviously you have to confirm you age, and in my experience I think caretakers on Fetlife are doing a very good job in keeping things in order. I as well have a bunch of weird turn-on’s that would make your stomach turn, but I would not ever take advantage of someone who is inexperienced and young. A lot of young people there get used for being naive and innocent. These predators don’t care if they will damage them for life. However the choice is yours and no one can decide that for you. Actually that’s wrong, they can if they own you.
‘’Fetlife can be a very fun, and enjoyable experience if you keep your safety.’’
But on the positive note, there is a lot of good stuff about Fetlife that I will point out now. Every website has its bad sides, even ‘’innocent’’ vanilla sites like Facebook. Fetlife can be a very fun, and enjoyable experience if you keep your safety. There are people who are rejected from the real world for being transvestites or cross dressers, or even for just being bi-curious. For people like that fetlife is the only place where they feel like they belong. The other day I was having a conversation with a man in his late 40’s. Since he was a boy he never developed properly, his penis in other words, never grew. He was at the time on testosterone injections and his penis grew 2’’. When he was in his late 30s he got diagnosed with gender dysphoria which means that actually he was supposed to be put on pheromones as a boy because he was meant to be a woman, but old days – old ways. He started his treatment now when he is almost 50, in hope that he becomes what he was always supposed to be. For a man like that Fetlife is a source where he can feel free and supported. Many of his friends support his journey and welcome his change.
‘’I saw Fetlife as a Dominant man with a whip in his hand and I was his little sub. He forced me to open my mind, even when I didn’t want to. And I liked it.’’
Another positive perk Fetlife has is actually meeting likeminded people. Everyone on Fetlife shares the most important interest with you, ‘’fetish’’. Even if you are just a curious vanilla person, Fetlife will open your mind when you are confronted by groups of likeminded individuals. But stay aware, these are still humans; they are not some magical happy fairies that will support you in anything. In time you will find yourself experiencing things you never thought are possible. Fetlifers organize a lot of events, from a casual daytime ‘’munch’’ to Saturday clubbing. On Fetlife you will never be judged, not because they are open to everything (because they are not) but because they are open to understand everything. I, for example don’t understand people who ‘’age play’’ and put on diapers and pretend they are babies, but as a part of this community I don’t think anything bad about them, neither am I against it. Even gold digging women have their group on fetlife. They say money is their fetish, and on many videos you will be able to see them masturbating or having sex on piles of money. Findom is a kind of a branch, which includes Dominant women dominating rich (not necessarily) submissive men for money, or for complete power over their bank accounts. I could go for hours now writing about this, but no one will ever be able to tell you exactly what is what until you go there and put yourself out there. If you consider your sex life boring, if you are unsatisfied (I mean, if seeing your internet history is able to make your atheist mother go to church), you might want to consider joining this community. Maybe you will, like I have, find a whole new side that you never thought was there. Overall if you have your head steady on your shoulders, and you can set boundaries for yourself, you will find fetlife quite enjoyable. Some call it sleazy, some compare it to Tinder, and some can’t live without it. Fetlife will always be like anal sex, you either love it or hate it…or so I have been told.