Tis the season to be jolly? Nah.
Tis the season to get horrifically, inappropriately drunk and corner your boss with the cake knife.
Tis the season to get horrifically, inappropriately drunk and snog most of the bar staff at the Christmas do.
Tis the season to get horrifically, inappropriately drunk while you wait for ‘Santa’, legs akimbo under the chimney, slurring “I’ve been a good gerl I ‘aaaave!”
Tis the season to get horrifically, inappropriately drunk and end up in an apocalyptic rage at the arseholes that just wind you up…Jessie J being top of my list this year (after the local lollipop lady). Now there’s a tongue I’d love to cut out! Apart from the fact that the woman is talentless, stage school afterbirth, she also opens that gob and speaks…publicly.
During the London riots she said “I’m off to the studio. If I can’t help physically, I’m going to write about it.” – cant fucking wait for results of that.
This is also a woman who had her foot in plaster for a couple of weeks and tells whoever will listen that she “has a different respect for people who don’t have legs” innit!
Although I slept funny on my arm once and when I woke up it was dead; and since then I know what amputees go through on a daily basis.
Tis also the season to bite off your love rivals finger at a nativity play.
I’d be heartless if I didn’t feel a warm glow every time I see a youtube video of a snot nosed brat at a nativity play. I’d be heartless if I didn’t feel a tingle down my spine at the thought of all those proud parents, watching their little angels. And I’d be heartless if I didn’t feel an abundance of glee at the story of two dads having a fight at the back of a school hall in South Shields which resulted in one biting the finger off the other one!
This is the story of Mr Dent, who was attacked as he and his former wife were waiting to see their four-year-old’s nativity play.
Alleged attacker, Mr Wilkinson had had a relationship with Mr Dent’s wife after the couple split. So far, so Jeremy Kyle. But apparently that had nothing to do with the feud….yeah…right.
Anyway there they are, at the back of the school hall, eyeballing each other when one says to the other:
“Whoa! Who are yis eyeborlin man?”
“Awae man! Ah’m nae eyeborlin yis? Ah’m eyeborlin yis wife!”
“Yis are eyeborlin the wife?”
“Aye! Ah am! Wha yis gunna dee aboot it?”
And so with the opening refrain of Hark the Herald Angels Sing, it all kicked off!
There was a big old scufuffle and it was said by other parents there that Mr Wilkinson bit off Mr Dent’s little finger before “spitting the blood out like an animal”.
“RrrrrrrrAAAAAARRRRRRR! That’ll teach yis tae point yis finger at me!”
It later emerged surgeons had failed to reattach the digit and no children witnessed the event…shame!
I wouldn’t want to take the piss out of South Shields and upset those good people purely for our entertainment, but what the hell…who am I kidding?
According to the South Shields Tourist Information, there are numerous tourist attractions in and around South Shields – there’s the indoor Metro Centre shopping complex – INDOORS no less! The South Shields Central Library, which contains a vast collection of books – yes! Books!; the South Shields Golf Club overlooked by Cleadon Hills on one side and overlooking the North Sea on the other; it’s picturesque and there’s also an indoor ice rink – INDOORS? I am packing up and booking my ticket now!
But wonderful stuff happens in South Shields too. In the South Shields Gazette some of the headlines run thus:
Cider thief tried to escape on mobility scooter – the story of an alcoholic who stole £6 worth of Woodpecker and hid it in his scooter before leaving the shop and being apprehended by the staff who watched him do it – I’m guessing it was a leisurely stroll and they didn’t break a sweat chasing him down?
Shoplifter left her purse behind – this is the story of a woman who stuffed a trolley full of goods worth £480 at ASDA. £480? At ASDA? What was she buying and how big was that trolley? Anyway, it turns out that when she got to the check out, she realised she’d forgot her purse and decided simply to not bother paying. I like the way that woman thinks! “Aw shit man! Ah’ve fergot me porse! Ah fuck it – naebody will notice if ah just walk oot!”
Go Kart stolen from fairground – A go-kart was stolen from Ocean Beach Pleasure Park…nah…it’s too easy! Anyway, the mystery still remains unsolved. It is thought that the thieves took the vehicle away in the back of a truck or they drove it off along the beach…or a road.
The neighbourhood police inspector said “If it was the latter (a road), then someone might have seen them, even though it was taken while it was dark. Whoever has taken it could have driven it around and abandoned it, or we think it may have been stolen to order”.
Yes – people often steal go-karts to order – they come in handy if you’re thinking of stealing cider and actually trying to get away with it!
And my personal favourite:
Turkey thief jailed for Christmas – a prolific shoplifter was caught on camera three times, stuffing a turkey up his jumper and walking out with it. “A member of the public saw Farrell go into the frozen meat aisle, pick up a turkey and leave without paying”.
Now I know that kidnapping frozen turkeys is a crime but did he really have to end up in the clink? Wouldn’t running the country into the ground so that all your rich friends can avoid paying taxes and suchlike be more of a befitting crime for prison? Wouldn’t they Cameron/Clegg et all?
Oh dear – I’m going all serious now but after this drunken swell of seasonal cheer, I’d like to take a moment to sober you up.
A couple of weeks ago in Clapham Junction a man was murdered. He was beaten to death in an apparently motiveless attack by a gang, including two men who had just come out of prison. I don’t need to know any more about the scum who deserve to be strung up but the victim was a man called Richard Ward. Richard was harmless, he wasn’t quite the full ticket but then who is these days? He worked in a charity shop, probably never hurt a soul and occasionally played his early 90’s rave music too loud – I know these last bits for a fact because he was also the next door neighbour of a member of my family.
I guess what I’m trying to say is – you see that life you have there? Well grab it with everything you’ve got; and live it and love it for all it’s worth.
I sincerely wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and a wonderful life.